That's Just, Like, The Rules Of Feminism.

“I’m going to try to say less snarky things about other girls”, I told Tom last Friday night. We were at a formal for Harvard Med School students, hanging out at a table eating hors d’oeuvres and drinking from the open bar. “That’s wonderful, sweetie,” he said, genuinely excited at the idea of less snark for all womankind. “I really think that’s a huge problem among women, and it definitely doesn't do you all any favors for working together for gender equality…” He went on, but my eyes had glazed over as I re-fixated on the two girls who had sparked my need to make the statement in the first place. “Yeah, yeah, I totally agree, and I’m going to start doing better,” I replied, “but first, I have to say that those girls over there look like total hookers.”

I like to think of the movie “Mean Girls” as a kind of snapshot into the way females treat each other. Recap for the five people on Earth who haven’t seen it: Cady Heron starts at a new school, befriends some fringe kids, and they all decide that they’ll take down the mean girls’ clique through the Cady’s sneaky infiltration of the group. Before long, Cady finds herself getting caught up in the fun and glamour of popularity, even though that comes with the extreme bitchiness of tearing down everyone else. Things blow up in her face, she finds herself alienated from everyone around her, and eventually everyone learns that all other women have value, and we all get our feelings hurt by other girls. There’s a great scene right after everything goes horribly wrong when Tina Fey’s character reads from the “Burn Book”, where the popular girls’ clique wrote awful secrets about each of their female classmates. She gives a speech about how girls and women constantly calling each other “sluts” and “whores” not only erodes friendships and mutual respect, but it allows the guys in our lives to call us by those same terms, allowing for further degradation of our bodies and ourselves as women.

The movie is great for a myriad of reasons: fast-paced dialogue, sharp wit, and really attractive people (Aaron Samuels really does look sexy with his hair pushed back), but I think the best thing about it is how true it rings for a lot of women and girls, regardless of age, background, or personal history. Women are often extraordinarily mean to each other, and it fundamentally shapes the way we look at ourselves and live our lives. Show me a successful female CEO/stay at home mom/dancer/policewoman, and I can show you the woman close to her who will call her a cold bitch/sellout/whore/dyke. Ripping on other women’s bodies, outfits, and life choices is high entertainment on many a girls’ night out, partially because, as Cady Heron discovers: it’s fun. Perverse or not, it’s enjoyable to bond with other women by excluding others. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something better, like you’re winning some kind of contest by telling yourself that you’d never in a million years go out wearing a top with that much sideboob. (A quick aside before we continue: Yes, men bear a significant amount of responsibility for women’s inequality, both historically and currently. I’m for focusing on girl-on-girl social crimes here, because I think men’s roles in this are well-documented, and I don’t really need to go over them.)

As much fun as hurtful gossip about other women can be, I don’t think that’s what made me call those girls hookers. I think my reason for indulging my inner mean girl comes from the fact that women still generally aren't treated as being fundamentally equal to men, but we want to be. From this knowledge comes the idea that, since we all aren't treated equally, the few who are have to be someone special, someone who rises above other women and is particularly worthy of success. If there’s limited space at the table, as an ambitious and well-educated female, I want a seat, even if it means I have to actively keep another woman out. And honestly, it’s a lot easier for me to feel okay about doing this if I convince myself that she’s a vapid whore. That intense competition brings out the worst in us, myself included, and it only serves to prolong our limitations at work, at home, and in relationships.

Regardless of why we do it, this girl-on-girl hate can have devastating consequences. Take, for example, the most extreme of cases: rape victims. It’s expected that some men will come out in an online article’s comments section and say something about how the alleged victim is probably a liar, asking for it, etc. No man wants to think of himself or his buddies as the kind of guy who would violate another person, so doubts or justifications will always pop up from a few men in these cases. I've noticed, however, that often much of the worst blame and vitriol against the victim will come from another woman. Take the Stubenville rape case, for example. (Feel free to Google if you don’t know the details, but be forewarned that the case is incredibly upsetting.) The video of that poor, incapacitated girl getting passed around for gang rape like a joint at a party was shared by dozens of her female classmates. Several female news anchors lamented publicly at what a shame it was that, by getting herself brutally raped, the victim had ruined the futures of several promising male athletes. The fallout eventually got so bad that the victim no longer wanted to go to school because the treatment by her female friends had gotten unbearable. To further my point, here’s a quote from a woman on another gang rape, this time in an abandoned warehouse in India (source here): “My son is being hanged because he made the wrong friends,” (the mother of one of the convicted rapists) said, as policewomen escorted her from the courtroom. “It is also the woman’s fault. Who asked her to go to an abandoned area? Why don’t you hang her, too?”

Granted, this quote is from an upset mother whose son is sentenced to die because of his crimes, but the idea of victim blaming by another woman proliferates news articles and comments all over the Internet. How many rape victims commit suicide because their “friends” turned on them, or their mothers refused to believe them? How many women do you see in the comments section who are writing off another victim as just trying to get attention, or who shouldn't have been drinking that much in the first place? How many times have you heard yourself point out that you or your friends would never drink that much/dress that way/hang out with those kinds of guys, because you’re too smart to get into that situation? Hell, I've said it, and I actually was sexually assaulted. We all want to think that we’re winning that contest to be the smartest, prettiest, most successful woman in the room, and the easiest way to convince ourselves is to put someone else down, even if the consequences are horrific.

This all leads me back to Tina Fey’s point: If women not only refuse to protect and stand up for each other, but instead shame and gossip about each other for matters great and small, how can we expect men to do things any differently? If we teach our daughters to see a woman who doesn't measure up to our moral or physical standards as lesser or worthy of ridicule, aren't we implicitly telling our sons that hurting her is less of a crime? If women, consciously or unconsciously, aren't hiring other women based on gender alone (a measurable phenomenon that you can read about in depth here), aren't we agreeing with men who have told us for centuries that women are less intelligent, less capable of leadership, and unworthy of equal pay? If I tell my boyfriend that “those girls look like total hookers”, aren't I contradicting myself when I fight to be seen as more than just the dress I’m in or the size of my boobs? I think about that moment, and similar moments before it, and I feel shame. A strong, kind, educated woman should be better than some silly high school girl, and I can’t say for certain that I am.

Every human on the planet wants to be treated fairly. We want our accomplishments to stand on their own and not be dismissed for factors beyond our control. That’s what civil rights and feminism are all about. Black people didn't want to go to school with white people because they had some nefarious plan to take over and punish white people. Gays don’t want to marry because they have some big agenda to turn all of our kids gay. And women don’t want to be paid equally and given equal rights under the law (this is a good time to mention that the Equal Rights Amendment STILL has never passed, btw) because we hate men. All any of us really wants is a fair shot at success and happiness. Unfortunately, as the marginalized, the burden of proof that we’re worthy of equality falls to us, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to do that together. We need to stop fighting for a seat at the table and start trying to build a bigger one together as a team. 

-T