In Defense of Dan and Seth

Some debates in life are doomed to remain forever unresolved. What exactly is the meaning of life? (4.) Is it ever acceptable to mix brown and black? (Not unless you are a jungle cat.) Who actually did steal the cookie from the cookie jar? (Me.) Can you lick your elbow? (Oh yes.)

There are, however, some questions in life that through time and careful consideration can, in fact, be answered thoroughly and efficiently. Where exactly is the G-spot? Did David Carradine commit suicide? Is it acceptable to wear light colors to a funeral? What were the B52's smoking?

The question I am here to answer, however is not among those just listed. The answer is not, in fact, right behind the belly button, or yes unless you're incredibly naive, or yes as long as you pair the bright article of clothing with black, or what weren't they smoking. The question is: Who IS the perfect man?

The answer is clear, and it comes in two forms, with two lovely illustrations. Which I happen to have found side by side. Answer: Seth Cohen/Dan Humpfrey. Here you are, ladies and gents: http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/gallery/gossipgirl/adam_brody.jpg

You may be saying something along the lines of, "Wait, wait. I have never heard of these schmucks. Who the hell are they?" If you are saying this, it is either because you are painfully ignorant because these men are pop culture icons, or you are Jewish because you're saying the word "schmuck." If it is the former, I apologize for you lack of need to exist, and if it is the latter, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Seth Cohen is your poster child, the reason many many gentile girls go for the nice Jewish boy. Lord knows they're definitely my reason for a trip or two to the Holy Lands (hehehe).

Still others may say, "Chuck Ba..." To which I reply with a hearty punch to the kidneys. Enough said.

Let us begin with a tour of the outside of these lovely men before we work our way in, to their hearts and minds. Does the phrase Tall, Dark, and Handsome ring a bell? If it doesn't, it's probably because you're from Denmark and no one where you live is attractive anyway. Sort of like Pierson College. But I digress. These boys are beautiful in the most unexpected of ways. I learned in Sexy Psych that women are attracted to men who are fit and muscular, men who look like they will pass on good genes to their offspring. Actually I didn't learn that in Psych. I think everyone just sort of knows that anyway. But Seth and Dan are attractive in a way that screams, "I am going to pass on the kinds of genes that contain likelihood of getting addicted to WOW and getting beaten up on the playground by men who will later write songs about hoes and Hennessey or work at a construction site for the rest of their lives before they beat their wives and die in a drunken haze of despair."

They also carry the looks that say, "I will love you in ways that Tom Brady never could. I will take our children to their various activities after school, I will bring home everything bagels because I know they're your favorite, and I'll make you soulful mix CD's and write about how much I miss you when you're gone." These are the men who will love maybe one or two women in their entire lives, but they will love them as epically and fiercely as rednecks love the NRA. They may not be able to open the jar of salsa you've been struggling with, but they'll certainly bring you ice and gauge your injuries with love and concern after you break your wrist trying to open it yourself.

Dan and Seth also have intellect and wit that is unparalleled by any lame ass football star. They read great novels, write better ones, and their musical tastes are formidable, to say the least. Seth is always ready with a quip and a sardonic smile, and Dan's knowledge of life and its events and players is enough to make you swoon. Or at least jump him in English class. These boys have wit and style, and have no need to constantly sulk and wear wife beaters, like the OC's Ryan, or screw anything with a pulse and a trust fund, like Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass. Which brings me to the next endearing part of these men: their innocence.

This is not to say that a man with past experience is anything to frown upon. Certainly Chuck or Ryan would never need instruction on ensuring that their current conquest enjoyed herself in the boudoir. However, there is an unbelievable amount of honor that comes with being the lady Seth picks as his love. Or being the party girl Dan picks as his muse. Whatever. It matters with them, it's special. In a time when physicality means next to nothing, it is amazing to think that there are people to whom a kiss is everything.

Go ahead. Say, "So what you're telling me, Tara, is that the perfect man is a nerdy FICTIONAL Jewish/doesn't celebrate Hannukah but has an inner yenta somewhere character in a T.V. teen drama whose main contribution to the show is witty quips and getting his heart ripped out by beautiful and popular females who soon move on to bigger and better things?"

To which I reply: "Yes."

But the guy these characters embody doesn't have to be Jewish (because he won't marry you anyway unless you're Jewish so don't waste your breath), or super nerdy, or even a fan of WOW. Though it helps.

But he does have to be witty. And not Chuck Bass. On this I will not bend.

Stay strong, adorable nerdy boys everywhere. She'll find you. Or I will. Whatever works.