From The School Front...
Witches:
Giles Cory-pressed to death. Use of torture and accusation of a man-odd.
It was actually difficult to get a conviction of witchcraft and most sentences were not death.
Most accused witches were middle aged. Typically married. Had few or no children. Middle age considered to be the prime of a person's life. Finished with childbearing, basking in acquired status of a powerful wife/mother. Danger was misuse of such power (ambition, pride). Large families were considered to be a sign of a happy marriage. Witches were accused of attacking children or interfering with another woman's family. Often the accusers themselves fit this profile. Accused witches were often “quarrelsome.” Being a “scold” sentenced you to wear a scold's bridle (like a hat thing with a leash, some had a metal piece inside the mouth to keep a woman from talking). Gossip could also get a hoe in trouble.
If a daughter married, she only got portable items, no land. Arguments for the accused: they had smaller families, maybe worse marriages, perhaps being sassy was their only defense mechanism...
Rachel Clinton (Haffield): Rachel's father died only four years after they moved to Massachusetts from England. The three eldest daughters in the family were the children of his first wife. Rachel's mother was a bitch. Recorded in the town records as being “crazy-brained.” Before she went batshit, she made sure all her dead husband's money went to her own daughters, not the step-daughters (like a reverse Cinderella (unless you're the step-daughters)). Crazy Mom died, Rachel finally got married to Lawrence Clinton who was 16 years younger (get it, Cougar Lady!). He was an indentured servant but she married him and paid of his debts then...oh hey he left. Shocker. Then the abused step-daughters started suing Rachel (this girl had it ROUGH). So she's 58 years old, broke as hell, and people decide to pool their resources and give her a house and some money out of kindness. Wait...no they don't. They accuse her ass of witchcraft. Makes much more sense. So she turned them all into a newt. (They got better...)
So to find out if a woman was a witch, all these men would get in a room and strip some poor woman down to look at her boobs. They were “looking for witch teats.” (Uh yeah okay. And guys just go to strip clubs for the buffet.” No really. There's a picture up right now of like twenty men in a room just ogling this poor girl. She looks pissed.
So Salem witch trials...girls are bratty and accuse anyone who pisses them off of being a witch. Incidentally, all these women's husbands are pissed that they married a woman who makes them do some work in bed (for once) so these ladies are toast. (Except for the homeless woman, Salem was just sick of hearing her beg for loose change or offer to wash their cars for a dollar.) Nineteen people were hanged. Maybe this is further evidence that marijuana should be legalized. “You're a witch...nah that's cool. I have a cousin who likes his “special time” with the livestock, we've all got our vices. It's like we're all...connected in our vices. Woah. What sayest thou?”
Apparently all the witches were also liberals. Surprise! This is starting to sound like the Tea Party...except their criteria is a little more...externally obvious. I wish Monty Python were around to roast them. “Burn him! He's a Muslim.” “He looks more Latino, honestly.” “He looks illegal to me!” “No look. He's holding his green card.” “He's an illegal AND a forger. Burn him! He's taking our jobs/eating our babies.”
Maybe one day we'll have a whole class about how insane people were in the early 2000's.
Teacher just asked who knew The Crucible. She was talking about the play. I was talking about the movie with Demi Moore we watched junior year of high school. Get it, public school!
Apparently the crazy spoiled bitches “took their show on the road” (no really she just said that) and went from town to town to accuse EVEN MORE people. Since everyone thought they were possessed, they could say pretty much anything and get away with it. It was like a Puritanical version of “having fun.” Makes sense. They're living out the Old Testament, people gotta die in mass quantities. It's how the Bible rolls.
Thank God for small favors. They'd have slapped a scarlet letter on me while tying my noose and slinging holy water at me before I turned 20.
Eventually Salem climaxed, and settled into a warm, fuzzy, cuddling session. And then historians proverbially didn't call the next day then bragged to all their buddies about how they nailed the crazy town. Public apologies were issued. Then the previously accused witches rose from the dead and everyone sang Kumbaya. Kidding! They were still dead.
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