Grade of Thrones
The existence of Game of Thrones is a strong indication that the current Golden Age of television is coming to a middle. Its shocking violence and beautifully complicated antiheroes are direct descendants of Tony Soprano and Walter White. The show's focus on moral decay and the ambiguity of right and wrong shares a lot in common with Mad Men and The Wire. And while subversive female characters might be pretty new, we've seen hints of each in great shows like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Mad Men, and even Sex and the City (not saying SATC was a consistenly great show, but showing a bunch of middle-aged women joyfully embracing the complications of sex and nudity for reasons other than procreation was pretty damn bold).
The problem with being a product of groundbreaking, incredible television is that, much like the second time you visit a restaurant that previously served you the best (veggie) burger of your life, there's all of the pressure of greatness, with none of the freshness that comes with a surprisingly delightful new experience. The shows I listed above, while they were indisputably excellent, also got a bit of a free pass for some of their larger flaws because they were groundbreaking. (Not that I am, in any way, excusing the stuff that went horribly, utterly awry, like the last season of Dexter.) Game of Thrones is a lot of really awesome things, but the double-edged sword of having been made possible by something like The Sopranos is that you have to work harder to make good TV because your shock value is lessened. Your characters become comparisons. And all the boobs you're showing are just...well, they're still boobs, I guess. Overall, you can't just coast on shock and boldness getting you by like your predecessors often did, because we expect more from a second generation. You have to use those tools with grace now.
I sort of feel like this season of Thrones was a microcosm of that phenomenon, in that while the series as a whole has to be subjected to the greats that came before it, this season has to be subjected to comparison with its own set of previous great moments. You have to compare Jon's (maaaaaybe) death with Ned's. You have to compare the battle of Hardhome with the Wildling Assault on the Wall (and maybe a little of the Battle of the Blackwater). Nudity had a purpose in a lot of previous moments (like Dany, staring Daario down with a mixture of queenly pride and aggression, or Melisandre being able to render even the manliest of men totally useless with her magical lady bits while she conjures up blood magic like the world's most useful vampire/births the Lost smoke monster to kill said manly man's enemies). Adversity and death have helped to forge some of the season's strongest characters. It turned Arya from a saucy little girl into a hardened, badass killer. It transformed Tyrion from a whoring, sarcastic drunk who no one listened to, into a strategic, sarcastic drunk who now has the ear of the likely final heir to the Iron Throne. It led Jon to embrace his destiny as a leader, instead of a mopey not-quite-Stark, unsure of his place in the world.
So, did this season make proper use of all its controversial decisions? Did its deaths have purpose or meaning? Did its tortures forge better characters? Did anyone lose their man-parts/talk about losing their man-parts/deal on-screen with the consequences of lacking essential man-parts in a way that was useful for advancing the plot? I've taken the liberty of submitting five categories of controversy, with a Final Score which I will average into a Final Final Score, for my tally of this season's effective use of sex, drugs, and rock n roll (and by rock n roll, I mean mutilation, because this is GoT, babyyyy).
Category 1: Deaths
I have to say, I think the deaths this season were more or less perfect. We got justice in the form of hilariously brutalized pedophile and all-around-doucecanoe Ser Meryn Trant, clingy evil ex-girlfriend Myranda, and Stannis "I Killed My Whole Family And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" Baratheon. We got Circle of Life deaths like the legendary Ser Barristan Selmy and the super old, potentially last remaining person with any common sense on the Wall, Aemon Targaryen. We got a"Yeah, that makes sense" death with Shireen (whose dad was a total religious nutjob who had already proven that he will do anything for the Iron Throne and a nice rack (He is a Baratheon after all!)). We got a "It's a miracle she lived this long in hostile territory, but seriously they should turn the boat around to save her because Dorne is right there" death with Myrcella, which we all had to see coming because: A) Ellaria Sand is now an angry, hellbent cartoon character, and B) The rule is that no one gets to be happy on this show for more than a few minutes, so Jaime's fatherly acceptance needed to be immediately followed by the immediate death of his only daughter. Sorry, J-Town. Them's the rules.
Of course, this season's Most Controversial Death Award would have to go to Jon Snow. And I mean controversial both in the sense that it was shocking (to non-book people, anyway), and in that it may not have actually been a death. If we're taking it as a death at face value, I have to admit that it makes a lot of sense. Jon had been pushing his luck for awhile, trying to unite two peoples who have hated each other for hundreds of years without really explaining to half of them why they needed to let bygones be bygones in the first place. He's like "Yeah trust me we need to do this because of (vague mumbling about monsters)" instead of "Do you wanna be snow zombies? Because this is how you get to be snow zombies. Those of you who wanna be snow zombies can go to one of our twenty or so less functioning castles and live out the rest of your days there for treason." He showed strength in leadership by being compassionate and decisive, but was lacking on the communication and trust building front, and it got him stabbed real good.
Despite Kit Harrington's loud protests to the contrary, though, I don't think JSnow is dead. I don't think they would have built up the whole "R+L=J" fan theory this season if it wasn't important. I don't think the showrunners really believe that anyone will give a flying fuck about the Wall without him. I don't think they would have the Red Woman try to hypnotize him with her magic vagina, then bolt from Stannis' side to get back to him if he wasn't important in future episodes. The Lord of Light has already brought back plenty of other bros, and JSnow may be the most important undead bro of all.
Final Score: 10/10.
Category 2: Battle Scenes (both battles of swords and battles of wits are applicable)
I wasn't one of those people who loved the battle in "Hardhome". I had heard a lot of people bitching about how slow this season was before that episode, so if you're someone who finds plot development with only a casualty or two per episode boring, then I guess I get the excitement over that episode. Maybe I'm a little bitter because the chick from Pitch Perfect 2 bit it so fast, and she looked like she would have been a cool character. Maybe I feel like the White Walkers look just a shade too fake for me to really take them seriously. Maybe I have a tough time understanding why the fuck JSnow & Company weren't rowing like there was no tomorrow once they got into the water because guess what there might have been no tomorrow if those things decided to try their hand at swimming. But this battle didn't really compare to the greats for me. Sure, there was a giant, and sure, the Zombie King did an excellently badass "Come At Me, Bro" motion as he resurrected all the dead Wildlings, and sure, we were reminded of how awesome Valyrian steel is and why bad guys always shit themselves when someone has a Valyrian steel sword. But overall, this one didn't take my breath away like Blackwater or the assault on the Wall did. I think it's because this one was a true, real-time battle, with no cutaways to more human moments, like Jon somehow not getting impaled while he slow-mo cried over his lady love like that scene in The OC when Marissa dies. Or remember when Circe was like, "Fuck this shit, time to get schwasted and poison my kid"? Those are the little human moments that, for me, take a battle scene from just fighting to a scene to remember.
In terms of sassy verbal sparring, I gotta say the Real Housewives of King's Landing moment between Circe and Margaery was a season highlight for me. "Do you want some wine? We aren't having any yet because it's 8am Circe you total and complete wino." Or how about the Lady Olenna/High Sparrow showdown? "I mean, I get that you're all righteous and whatnot but I legit pay your salary, so maybe take it down a notch?" "Yeah but your grandson is gay and I would literally give up weeks of watery soup to watch his downfall because I am intolerant, both religiously and of gluten." And, of course, the pissing contest between Daario and what's-his-name-who-got-stabbed-and-no-one-gave-a-shit was pretty choice. My only issue with this season's verbal showdowns is that there wasn't enough of them to stamp out the bleakness.
Final Score: 7/10 for Physical Battles, 9/10 for Verbal. Split the difference at 8/10.
Category 3: Torture/Torture Fallout
Look, after a certain point, torture for torture's sake gets old. And this season was a pretty serious offender in the torture department, particularly the torture of young, innocent girls. We knew Ser Meryn was a douchecanoe, did we really need two episodes of his pedophilia hijinks, where he forces some poor kitchen maid to prostitute herself out in Part One, then beats a bunch of young girls to make them cry in Part Two? Can we agree that that was excessive?
Can we agree that, even if it made sense, the brutal burning of Shireen was enough horror for a few episodes? Do we really need the aforementioned Ser Meryn scenes in addition to that one?
But my main point on the torture front: Can we agree that Sansa really doesn't deserve all the shit she gets, both onscreen and online? People seem to hate her because she's "weak", and yeah compared to Arya or Dany, she is. But Sansa is a product of her raising. She's a beautiful, proud, kind noblewoman, whose biggest fault is believing her governess when she told her a handsome prince would take her away and make her happy. Did she deserve a wake-up call? Probably. Did that need to include the murders of her father (right in front of her), her governess, her mother, and her brother (all three brothers, according to Theon initially), the mutilation of her surrogate brother Theon and his subsequent betrayal, the torture from Geoffrey, Circe's constant bitchiness, Lysa's attempt at throwing her down the Moon Door, whatever Littlefinger is trying to do, and the disappearance of her sister Arya? Can we blame her for turning to the only training she has, her training as a lady who keeps her composure and has faith that she will one day be rescued? No, she isn't violent. No, she doesn't have dragons. No, she doesn't yet have the experience to use her feminine wiles to save her. What does she have? Steel running down her spine. A hell of a poker face. Faith, a candle in the darkest window. Sansa Stark would have made her mother proud.
So did we really need to end her storyline on such a bleak note? I understand the need to show Ramsay's rape. I really do. It is an unfortunate historical accuracy that women were (and still are) sold into marriage and expected to bow to their husband's every need, even if that husband is a fucking psychopath. But where is her triumph? Throw the poor girl a bone! After multiple betrayals from her surrogate brother and seeing a publicly displayed flayed corpse of her only friend, she nearly gets crossbow'd by her husband's crazy ex and jumps off a very tall castle into the snow, probably breaking several somethings, because she would rather die than do anything else? Can we fix this next season, for the love of God?
While I don't take issue with them showing Ramsay raping Sansa, because I think it made sense in context, I do take issue with them using Sansa's sexual assault to make Theon stronger. Yeah, Theon had some horrible torture last season, but let's be real: Theon was not a good guy. The idea that he has earned strength and heroics before Sansa, after she remained pure and good despite everything she's been through, pisses me off. It really felt like making a big deal out of Sansa's rape would have been an excellent jumping-off point to debut a Sansa who is finally in control of her life, who uses her position in the North to make allies and destroy the men who murdered her family and violated her body and soul. Instead, we see Theon slowly becoming Theon again, while Sansa starts to slip away. Booooooooo.
Final Score: 6/10. Only because I'm putting my faith in this show that all this is leading somewhere good, otherwise this would be a 2/10. Don't fail me, guys.
Category 4: Road Trips and the Success of Their Destinations
I'm not trying to say that road trips are by nature controversial. But in a show like Thrones, where you have an awful lot of the above categories, long journeys and their conclusions can come across as pretty boring and pointless if you don't do them properly, so I am positing that they are controversial by not being very controversial. We've had some pretty awesome road trips in previous seasons of Thrones. "True Detective Season Two: Arya and the Hound" made for some of the funniest and most interesting character development in the series. "Ice Road Truckers: Jon and the Wildlings" pushed Jon to grow up, shed a lot of his naivete, and get laid finally. The three most impactful Road Trips storylines of the season were probably Tyrion's trip to Mereen, "Ice Road Truckers 2: IceZombies" with JSnow heading to Hardhome (not much of a trip, but the destination was a one-off with a big punch, so I'm including it), and, of course, "Jaime and Bronn's Most Excellent Adventure: The Dorne Trip Fucking Sucks". I already talked about Snow's trip in the "Battles" section above, so we'll leave that one out of the scoring and focus on Tyrion and Dorne, respectively. (Fucking Dorne, man.)
Tyrion is one of the best characters of the show. I think that's hard to dispute. He's got a good heart, he's brilliant, and he's salty as hell. Last season left Tyrion in a bit of a pickle, in that he murdered his duplicitous prostitute lover, then revenge-killed his Pops while he was taking a poops. All this after he was convicted of murdering his nephew, even though let's be real, all of those people deserved it. He escaped with our very favorite eunich (though I guess Grey Worm is in the running now?), and they traded sassy barbs all the way to Essos before Tyrion got himself kidnapped at a whorehouse, sold into slavery, and nearly eaten or whatever the Stone Men were trying to do in that boat fight. FINALLY he made it to Mereen, where he promptly became indespensible in the scene that literally millions of people thought they were gonna get when they read "A Dance With Dragons". Joke's on us! Martin will probably die before Tyrion and Dany meet in the books. Anyway, we got one of my favorite lines of the season "My Valyrian is a bit nostril", Tyrion got to watch a badass dragon burn up a bunch of bad guys and carry his queen away while he gazed on in childlike wonder, and he's now running a city with his trusty eunich by his side. All is right with the world, at least in comparison to the rest of the GoT characters.
Fucking Dorne, man. I had such high hopes for this storyline. From pairing Bronn and Jaime, to the intensely beautiful set location of Spain for the Water Gardens, to the awe-inspiring Sand Snakes, there was so much promise that turned to just so much shit. Jaime and Bronn were, of course, the best part, from Bronn's hilarious opening scene with his homely (and very chatty) bride-to-be, to Jaime learning that his golden hand is more than just a pretty decoration, the actual road trip part of this Road Trip held a lot of promise. Then they got to Dorne, where apparently they only have like two palace guards, the Sand Snakes are actually just walking pairs of boobs with the occasional fighting/poisoning stint, and everyone else is just really, really boring. This storyline was such a hot mess. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore. FUCKING DORNE, MAN.
Final Score: 9/10 Tyrion Road Trip, 3/10 Dorne. 6/10.
Category 5: Nudity
I saved the breast for last! Remember that SNL skit that said that all of Thrones was actually directed by a teenage boy who just really, really liked showing gratuitous boobies? Man, that was great. It brings me to my main point about nudity, which is that there are two kinds: Fun, Silly/Sexy Nudity, that brings lightheartedness to an episode (like that scene in Littlefinger's brothel where the camera pans out like four different times to reveal a Russian Nesting Doll situation of people watching other people getting busy while also getting busy), and Nudity That Makes A Point. This season was heavy on the latter. We got Melissandre's manipulative, titillating nudity (yeah I did those on purpose) to try to make a JSnow lapdog. We got Circe's Walk of Shame nudity, complete with festering garbage (and I never thought I'd say this, but the Naked Garbage Walk made the most sense of all the nudity to me this season), and of course we got the fucking Sand Snakes. I will be splitting the score between the two most memorable of this category.
I touched on this in my "Road Trips" section above, but I think the showrunners' portrayal of the Sand Snakes was the single biggest fuckup of the season. In the books, they're these fierce, proud women who serve as a showcase of Dorne's very progressive views on bastards, badass female fighters, and sexuality as a normal, cool part of life. I feel like Weiss and Benioff were like, "Yeah but we could make them porn-y and sort of useless and it would be hot" and then they did that. The idea that the Sand Snakes couldn't take out a couple prison guards, a one-handed cripple, and a sellsword during that altercation in the Water Gardens is downright insulting. To then have the super awkward prison scene with Tyrene where she gets totally naked because...she's got low self-esteem or something...? It's kind of unforgivable. Not to mention her last line to Bronn as she practically eats his ear off: "You like the bad pussy." I physically cringed. My skin crawled. In what universe is that an okay line? I'm pretty sure I would turn off a low-budget porno if it had that line in it, how did it make it into an Emmy Award-winning TV show? I would be shocked if the Dorne storyline is salvageable after this season, and it's mostly because they fucked up the Sand Snakes. Otherwise all you have left is King Gouty Crippled Guy, and let's face it, he's really just not that interesting.
Circe's Naked Garbage Walk is basically verbatim from the books, and I think it was exceptionally well done. Lena Headey does amazing things with her facial expressions and body language, and that septa behind her with the Shame Bell made me wanna rip her fucking face off. The acting was so great that a beautiful woman's full-frontal nudity managed to be only embarrassing and sad. Splendidly done. I just wish they'd had the balls to give her stretch marks like she had in the books, which I remember only added to her shame at being seen by the commoners as a human, instead of an untouchable, perfect royal. I do think that the added touch of having The Mountain 2: Undead and Untouchable wrapping her up delicately in a blanket and carrying her away showcased both Circe's weakness and her simmering anger, which is going to make a hell of a story next season.
Final Score: 1/10 for Sand Snake nudity, 9/10 for Circe. 5/10.
Final Final Score: 70%. Life Lesson: Doing some things really well can't always cancel out doing others really badly. That's just math.
The stakes are higher. The characters are richer. The storylines should be excellent. Every single one should have something great to offer, in every single episode. Despite your missteps (#FuckingDorne), I still love you, GoT, and the next ten months will be every bit as torturous as they were last year.
Valar Morghulis.
The problem with being a product of groundbreaking, incredible television is that, much like the second time you visit a restaurant that previously served you the best (veggie) burger of your life, there's all of the pressure of greatness, with none of the freshness that comes with a surprisingly delightful new experience. The shows I listed above, while they were indisputably excellent, also got a bit of a free pass for some of their larger flaws because they were groundbreaking. (Not that I am, in any way, excusing the stuff that went horribly, utterly awry, like the last season of Dexter.) Game of Thrones is a lot of really awesome things, but the double-edged sword of having been made possible by something like The Sopranos is that you have to work harder to make good TV because your shock value is lessened. Your characters become comparisons. And all the boobs you're showing are just...well, they're still boobs, I guess. Overall, you can't just coast on shock and boldness getting you by like your predecessors often did, because we expect more from a second generation. You have to use those tools with grace now.
I sort of feel like this season of Thrones was a microcosm of that phenomenon, in that while the series as a whole has to be subjected to the greats that came before it, this season has to be subjected to comparison with its own set of previous great moments. You have to compare Jon's (maaaaaybe) death with Ned's. You have to compare the battle of Hardhome with the Wildling Assault on the Wall (and maybe a little of the Battle of the Blackwater). Nudity had a purpose in a lot of previous moments (like Dany, staring Daario down with a mixture of queenly pride and aggression, or Melisandre being able to render even the manliest of men totally useless with her magical lady bits while she conjures up blood magic like the world's most useful vampire/births the Lost smoke monster to kill said manly man's enemies). Adversity and death have helped to forge some of the season's strongest characters. It turned Arya from a saucy little girl into a hardened, badass killer. It transformed Tyrion from a whoring, sarcastic drunk who no one listened to, into a strategic, sarcastic drunk who now has the ear of the likely final heir to the Iron Throne. It led Jon to embrace his destiny as a leader, instead of a mopey not-quite-Stark, unsure of his place in the world.
So, did this season make proper use of all its controversial decisions? Did its deaths have purpose or meaning? Did its tortures forge better characters? Did anyone lose their man-parts/talk about losing their man-parts/deal on-screen with the consequences of lacking essential man-parts in a way that was useful for advancing the plot? I've taken the liberty of submitting five categories of controversy, with a Final Score which I will average into a Final Final Score, for my tally of this season's effective use of sex, drugs, and rock n roll (and by rock n roll, I mean mutilation, because this is GoT, babyyyy).
Category 1: Deaths
I have to say, I think the deaths this season were more or less perfect. We got justice in the form of hilariously brutalized pedophile and all-around-doucecanoe Ser Meryn Trant, clingy evil ex-girlfriend Myranda, and Stannis "I Killed My Whole Family And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" Baratheon. We got Circle of Life deaths like the legendary Ser Barristan Selmy and the super old, potentially last remaining person with any common sense on the Wall, Aemon Targaryen. We got a"Yeah, that makes sense" death with Shireen (whose dad was a total religious nutjob who had already proven that he will do anything for the Iron Throne and a nice rack (He is a Baratheon after all!)). We got a "It's a miracle she lived this long in hostile territory, but seriously they should turn the boat around to save her because Dorne is right there" death with Myrcella, which we all had to see coming because: A) Ellaria Sand is now an angry, hellbent cartoon character, and B) The rule is that no one gets to be happy on this show for more than a few minutes, so Jaime's fatherly acceptance needed to be immediately followed by the immediate death of his only daughter. Sorry, J-Town. Them's the rules.
Of course, this season's Most Controversial Death Award would have to go to Jon Snow. And I mean controversial both in the sense that it was shocking (to non-book people, anyway), and in that it may not have actually been a death. If we're taking it as a death at face value, I have to admit that it makes a lot of sense. Jon had been pushing his luck for awhile, trying to unite two peoples who have hated each other for hundreds of years without really explaining to half of them why they needed to let bygones be bygones in the first place. He's like "Yeah trust me we need to do this because of (vague mumbling about monsters)" instead of "Do you wanna be snow zombies? Because this is how you get to be snow zombies. Those of you who wanna be snow zombies can go to one of our twenty or so less functioning castles and live out the rest of your days there for treason." He showed strength in leadership by being compassionate and decisive, but was lacking on the communication and trust building front, and it got him stabbed real good.
Despite Kit Harrington's loud protests to the contrary, though, I don't think JSnow is dead. I don't think they would have built up the whole "R+L=J" fan theory this season if it wasn't important. I don't think the showrunners really believe that anyone will give a flying fuck about the Wall without him. I don't think they would have the Red Woman try to hypnotize him with her magic vagina, then bolt from Stannis' side to get back to him if he wasn't important in future episodes. The Lord of Light has already brought back plenty of other bros, and JSnow may be the most important undead bro of all.
Final Score: 10/10.
Category 2: Battle Scenes (both battles of swords and battles of wits are applicable)
I wasn't one of those people who loved the battle in "Hardhome". I had heard a lot of people bitching about how slow this season was before that episode, so if you're someone who finds plot development with only a casualty or two per episode boring, then I guess I get the excitement over that episode. Maybe I'm a little bitter because the chick from Pitch Perfect 2 bit it so fast, and she looked like she would have been a cool character. Maybe I feel like the White Walkers look just a shade too fake for me to really take them seriously. Maybe I have a tough time understanding why the fuck JSnow & Company weren't rowing like there was no tomorrow once they got into the water because guess what there might have been no tomorrow if those things decided to try their hand at swimming. But this battle didn't really compare to the greats for me. Sure, there was a giant, and sure, the Zombie King did an excellently badass "Come At Me, Bro" motion as he resurrected all the dead Wildlings, and sure, we were reminded of how awesome Valyrian steel is and why bad guys always shit themselves when someone has a Valyrian steel sword. But overall, this one didn't take my breath away like Blackwater or the assault on the Wall did. I think it's because this one was a true, real-time battle, with no cutaways to more human moments, like Jon somehow not getting impaled while he slow-mo cried over his lady love like that scene in The OC when Marissa dies. Or remember when Circe was like, "Fuck this shit, time to get schwasted and poison my kid"? Those are the little human moments that, for me, take a battle scene from just fighting to a scene to remember.
In terms of sassy verbal sparring, I gotta say the Real Housewives of King's Landing moment between Circe and Margaery was a season highlight for me. "Do you want some wine? We aren't having any yet because it's 8am Circe you total and complete wino." Or how about the Lady Olenna/High Sparrow showdown? "I mean, I get that you're all righteous and whatnot but I legit pay your salary, so maybe take it down a notch?" "Yeah but your grandson is gay and I would literally give up weeks of watery soup to watch his downfall because I am intolerant, both religiously and of gluten." And, of course, the pissing contest between Daario and what's-his-name-who-got-stabbed-and-no-one-gave-a-shit was pretty choice. My only issue with this season's verbal showdowns is that there wasn't enough of them to stamp out the bleakness.
Final Score: 7/10 for Physical Battles, 9/10 for Verbal. Split the difference at 8/10.
Category 3: Torture/Torture Fallout
Look, after a certain point, torture for torture's sake gets old. And this season was a pretty serious offender in the torture department, particularly the torture of young, innocent girls. We knew Ser Meryn was a douchecanoe, did we really need two episodes of his pedophilia hijinks, where he forces some poor kitchen maid to prostitute herself out in Part One, then beats a bunch of young girls to make them cry in Part Two? Can we agree that that was excessive?
Can we agree that, even if it made sense, the brutal burning of Shireen was enough horror for a few episodes? Do we really need the aforementioned Ser Meryn scenes in addition to that one?
But my main point on the torture front: Can we agree that Sansa really doesn't deserve all the shit she gets, both onscreen and online? People seem to hate her because she's "weak", and yeah compared to Arya or Dany, she is. But Sansa is a product of her raising. She's a beautiful, proud, kind noblewoman, whose biggest fault is believing her governess when she told her a handsome prince would take her away and make her happy. Did she deserve a wake-up call? Probably. Did that need to include the murders of her father (right in front of her), her governess, her mother, and her brother (all three brothers, according to Theon initially), the mutilation of her surrogate brother Theon and his subsequent betrayal, the torture from Geoffrey, Circe's constant bitchiness, Lysa's attempt at throwing her down the Moon Door, whatever Littlefinger is trying to do, and the disappearance of her sister Arya? Can we blame her for turning to the only training she has, her training as a lady who keeps her composure and has faith that she will one day be rescued? No, she isn't violent. No, she doesn't have dragons. No, she doesn't yet have the experience to use her feminine wiles to save her. What does she have? Steel running down her spine. A hell of a poker face. Faith, a candle in the darkest window. Sansa Stark would have made her mother proud.
So did we really need to end her storyline on such a bleak note? I understand the need to show Ramsay's rape. I really do. It is an unfortunate historical accuracy that women were (and still are) sold into marriage and expected to bow to their husband's every need, even if that husband is a fucking psychopath. But where is her triumph? Throw the poor girl a bone! After multiple betrayals from her surrogate brother and seeing a publicly displayed flayed corpse of her only friend, she nearly gets crossbow'd by her husband's crazy ex and jumps off a very tall castle into the snow, probably breaking several somethings, because she would rather die than do anything else? Can we fix this next season, for the love of God?
While I don't take issue with them showing Ramsay raping Sansa, because I think it made sense in context, I do take issue with them using Sansa's sexual assault to make Theon stronger. Yeah, Theon had some horrible torture last season, but let's be real: Theon was not a good guy. The idea that he has earned strength and heroics before Sansa, after she remained pure and good despite everything she's been through, pisses me off. It really felt like making a big deal out of Sansa's rape would have been an excellent jumping-off point to debut a Sansa who is finally in control of her life, who uses her position in the North to make allies and destroy the men who murdered her family and violated her body and soul. Instead, we see Theon slowly becoming Theon again, while Sansa starts to slip away. Booooooooo.
Final Score: 6/10. Only because I'm putting my faith in this show that all this is leading somewhere good, otherwise this would be a 2/10. Don't fail me, guys.
Category 4: Road Trips and the Success of Their Destinations
I'm not trying to say that road trips are by nature controversial. But in a show like Thrones, where you have an awful lot of the above categories, long journeys and their conclusions can come across as pretty boring and pointless if you don't do them properly, so I am positing that they are controversial by not being very controversial. We've had some pretty awesome road trips in previous seasons of Thrones. "True Detective Season Two: Arya and the Hound" made for some of the funniest and most interesting character development in the series. "Ice Road Truckers: Jon and the Wildlings" pushed Jon to grow up, shed a lot of his naivete, and get laid finally. The three most impactful Road Trips storylines of the season were probably Tyrion's trip to Mereen, "Ice Road Truckers 2: IceZombies" with JSnow heading to Hardhome (not much of a trip, but the destination was a one-off with a big punch, so I'm including it), and, of course, "Jaime and Bronn's Most Excellent Adventure: The Dorne Trip Fucking Sucks". I already talked about Snow's trip in the "Battles" section above, so we'll leave that one out of the scoring and focus on Tyrion and Dorne, respectively. (Fucking Dorne, man.)
Tyrion is one of the best characters of the show. I think that's hard to dispute. He's got a good heart, he's brilliant, and he's salty as hell. Last season left Tyrion in a bit of a pickle, in that he murdered his duplicitous prostitute lover, then revenge-killed his Pops while he was taking a poops. All this after he was convicted of murdering his nephew, even though let's be real, all of those people deserved it. He escaped with our very favorite eunich (though I guess Grey Worm is in the running now?), and they traded sassy barbs all the way to Essos before Tyrion got himself kidnapped at a whorehouse, sold into slavery, and nearly eaten or whatever the Stone Men were trying to do in that boat fight. FINALLY he made it to Mereen, where he promptly became indespensible in the scene that literally millions of people thought they were gonna get when they read "A Dance With Dragons". Joke's on us! Martin will probably die before Tyrion and Dany meet in the books. Anyway, we got one of my favorite lines of the season "My Valyrian is a bit nostril", Tyrion got to watch a badass dragon burn up a bunch of bad guys and carry his queen away while he gazed on in childlike wonder, and he's now running a city with his trusty eunich by his side. All is right with the world, at least in comparison to the rest of the GoT characters.
Fucking Dorne, man. I had such high hopes for this storyline. From pairing Bronn and Jaime, to the intensely beautiful set location of Spain for the Water Gardens, to the awe-inspiring Sand Snakes, there was so much promise that turned to just so much shit. Jaime and Bronn were, of course, the best part, from Bronn's hilarious opening scene with his homely (and very chatty) bride-to-be, to Jaime learning that his golden hand is more than just a pretty decoration, the actual road trip part of this Road Trip held a lot of promise. Then they got to Dorne, where apparently they only have like two palace guards, the Sand Snakes are actually just walking pairs of boobs with the occasional fighting/poisoning stint, and everyone else is just really, really boring. This storyline was such a hot mess. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore. FUCKING DORNE, MAN.
Final Score: 9/10 Tyrion Road Trip, 3/10 Dorne. 6/10.
Category 5: Nudity
I saved the breast for last! Remember that SNL skit that said that all of Thrones was actually directed by a teenage boy who just really, really liked showing gratuitous boobies? Man, that was great. It brings me to my main point about nudity, which is that there are two kinds: Fun, Silly/Sexy Nudity, that brings lightheartedness to an episode (like that scene in Littlefinger's brothel where the camera pans out like four different times to reveal a Russian Nesting Doll situation of people watching other people getting busy while also getting busy), and Nudity That Makes A Point. This season was heavy on the latter. We got Melissandre's manipulative, titillating nudity (yeah I did those on purpose) to try to make a JSnow lapdog. We got Circe's Walk of Shame nudity, complete with festering garbage (and I never thought I'd say this, but the Naked Garbage Walk made the most sense of all the nudity to me this season), and of course we got the fucking Sand Snakes. I will be splitting the score between the two most memorable of this category.
I touched on this in my "Road Trips" section above, but I think the showrunners' portrayal of the Sand Snakes was the single biggest fuckup of the season. In the books, they're these fierce, proud women who serve as a showcase of Dorne's very progressive views on bastards, badass female fighters, and sexuality as a normal, cool part of life. I feel like Weiss and Benioff were like, "Yeah but we could make them porn-y and sort of useless and it would be hot" and then they did that. The idea that the Sand Snakes couldn't take out a couple prison guards, a one-handed cripple, and a sellsword during that altercation in the Water Gardens is downright insulting. To then have the super awkward prison scene with Tyrene where she gets totally naked because...she's got low self-esteem or something...? It's kind of unforgivable. Not to mention her last line to Bronn as she practically eats his ear off: "You like the bad pussy." I physically cringed. My skin crawled. In what universe is that an okay line? I'm pretty sure I would turn off a low-budget porno if it had that line in it, how did it make it into an Emmy Award-winning TV show? I would be shocked if the Dorne storyline is salvageable after this season, and it's mostly because they fucked up the Sand Snakes. Otherwise all you have left is King Gouty Crippled Guy, and let's face it, he's really just not that interesting.
Circe's Naked Garbage Walk is basically verbatim from the books, and I think it was exceptionally well done. Lena Headey does amazing things with her facial expressions and body language, and that septa behind her with the Shame Bell made me wanna rip her fucking face off. The acting was so great that a beautiful woman's full-frontal nudity managed to be only embarrassing and sad. Splendidly done. I just wish they'd had the balls to give her stretch marks like she had in the books, which I remember only added to her shame at being seen by the commoners as a human, instead of an untouchable, perfect royal. I do think that the added touch of having The Mountain 2: Undead and Untouchable wrapping her up delicately in a blanket and carrying her away showcased both Circe's weakness and her simmering anger, which is going to make a hell of a story next season.
Final Score: 1/10 for Sand Snake nudity, 9/10 for Circe. 5/10.
Final Final Score: 70%. Life Lesson: Doing some things really well can't always cancel out doing others really badly. That's just math.
The stakes are higher. The characters are richer. The storylines should be excellent. Every single one should have something great to offer, in every single episode. Despite your missteps (#FuckingDorne), I still love you, GoT, and the next ten months will be every bit as torturous as they were last year.
Valar Morghulis.
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